Some people are fans of Dogura. But many other people are NOT fans of Dogura. This article is for those in the latter group. And yes, I did completely steal this idea from Drew Magary. So sue me.
Your player
CO | Dogura, newest resident of your nightmares:
Bad news: that's horrifying. Good news: I think we've found the villain for season 3 of Stranger Things.
AKA
ura
Personal history
Aegis Aegis Aegis Aegis.
Aegis Aegis? Aegis - Aegis Aegis AEGIIIIIIIIIIS!
CPT season recap
A. E. G. I. S.
...Aegis.
His character
Look, a lot of characters in SFV are fucking weird: FANG is a trash fire, Alex got nerfed so hard that Gunfight had to change his name to Foamdartfight, Balrog is a shambling mockery of the Boxer character from previous games, Abigail's intro literally is cancer. But of all the dumb shit that went into SFV's character designs, Urien has to be the worst, for one reason and one reason alone: Aegis.
There are a lot of scary V-triggers in this game, but Aegis is by far the most ridiculous. It reflects projectiles, including other V-triggers. It creates a corner anywhere onscreen. It's a combo starter, a combo extender (even after throws!), and a combo ender. It interrupts pressure strings. It gives you mixups. You can even fucking anti-air with it on reaction - AND THEN STILL JUGGLE AFTERWARDS. This version of Aegis isn't a Street Fighter move, it's a goddamn as-seen-on-TV all-in-one piece of technofuckery. It slices, it dices, it vacuums, it washes your clothes, AND it takes your kid to school so you can have morning sex in peace! And if you order now, we'll throw in an extra mirror for free, because OBVIOUSLY one wasn't broken enough! What a bunch of donkeyshit.
And, I mean, I do want to care about Dogura as a person. Why is he so easily frightened? Why can he make the exact same face that the Grinch makes when he smiles? (Seriously, the EXACT same face. Hold that, Jim Carrey, you fraud.) Why is he so good at airdashers? But I just can't do it. CANNOT. His Urien isn't just dirty, it's RADIOACTIVE. Real talk, I would rather get hit over the head with an actual glass mirror than have to deal with his nonsense. The ambulance would drive me away from the tournament venue and the EMTs would tell me that I looked like I'd been put through a paper shredder, and I'd just breathe a sigh of relief and tell them that I made the right decision.
Greatest personal strength and greatest personal weakness, in one picture
Apparently Dogura's charisma score is off the charts:
But at the same time, though, EAT A GODDAMN SANDWICH, YOU GAUNT-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. Seriously, why the fuck does he have no muscles? Does he have a tapeworm? Is he on one of those crazy-people diets, like a juice cleanse or some shit? Does he spend so much time coming up with toxic Aegis setups that he forgets to eat? I know you don't exactly get a workout playing video games all day, but still.
But did he beat Mike Ross?
Ended his Evo run, in fact:
Poor Mike. He was only a few more wins away from fourth place. You'll get 'em next time, Mikey!
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
As we've already established, Urien is the worst. People who pick him shouldn't get to play actual games. Instead, we should just make them go to training mode and do whatever stupid left-right-up-down-throw-block-reset setup bullshit they want, and then if the other player blocks it, the Urien player loses. I guess that Urien has other strengths and weaknesses - maybe his footsies are only okay? Maybe his defensive options aren't great on wakeup? His costume game sucks? - but none of that matters. Urien IS Aegis.
And that's why it's troubling that Dogura has already shown so many of his cards. You can't just straight-up scout another player's footsies or their fireball game, but you can absolutely scout someone's setups. At the end of the day, Aegis is gross as hell, but it's still a gimmick, and gimmicks can't carry you through an entire championship. Somewhere along the line, Dogura's gonna run into someone who did their homework on his Aegis buffoonery, and that'll be the end of his run.
"But wait," you say
It does say something about Dogura's abilities that he's the only Urien player to be qualified for Capcom Cup. Given how exceptionally cheap this character is, you'd think that the bracket would be fucking infested with him. So clearly Dogura is a step ahead of the game. If you think that's enough for him to win - and if you're enough of a scumbag to WANT him to win - let me know.
Your player
CO | Dogura, newest resident of your nightmares:
— qwer(くわぁ) (@qwer8383) May 27, 2016
Bad news: that's horrifying. Good news: I think we've found the villain for season 3 of Stranger Things.
AKA
uraPersonal history
Aegis Aegis Aegis Aegis.
Aegis Aegis? Aegis - Aegis Aegis AEGIIIIIIIIIIS!
CPT season recap
A. E. G. I. S.
...Aegis.
His character
Look, a lot of characters in SFV are fucking weird: FANG is a trash fire, Alex got nerfed so hard that Gunfight had to change his name to Foamdartfight, Balrog is a shambling mockery of the Boxer character from previous games, Abigail's intro literally is cancer. But of all the dumb shit that went into SFV's character designs, Urien has to be the worst, for one reason and one reason alone: Aegis.
There are a lot of scary V-triggers in this game, but Aegis is by far the most ridiculous. It reflects projectiles, including other V-triggers. It creates a corner anywhere onscreen. It's a combo starter, a combo extender (even after throws!), and a combo ender. It interrupts pressure strings. It gives you mixups. You can even fucking anti-air with it on reaction - AND THEN STILL JUGGLE AFTERWARDS. This version of Aegis isn't a Street Fighter move, it's a goddamn as-seen-on-TV all-in-one piece of technofuckery. It slices, it dices, it vacuums, it washes your clothes, AND it takes your kid to school so you can have morning sex in peace! And if you order now, we'll throw in an extra mirror for free, because OBVIOUSLY one wasn't broken enough! What a bunch of donkeyshit.
And, I mean, I do want to care about Dogura as a person. Why is he so easily frightened? Why can he make the exact same face that the Grinch makes when he smiles? (Seriously, the EXACT same face. Hold that, Jim Carrey, you fraud.) Why is he so good at airdashers? But I just can't do it. CANNOT. His Urien isn't just dirty, it's RADIOACTIVE. Real talk, I would rather get hit over the head with an actual glass mirror than have to deal with his nonsense. The ambulance would drive me away from the tournament venue and the EMTs would tell me that I looked like I'd been put through a paper shredder, and I'd just breathe a sigh of relief and tell them that I made the right decision.
Greatest personal strength and greatest personal weakness, in one picture
Apparently Dogura's charisma score is off the charts:
But at the same time, though, EAT A GODDAMN SANDWICH, YOU GAUNT-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. Seriously, why the fuck does he have no muscles? Does he have a tapeworm? Is he on one of those crazy-people diets, like a juice cleanse or some shit? Does he spend so much time coming up with toxic Aegis setups that he forgets to eat? I know you don't exactly get a workout playing video games all day, but still.
But did he beat Mike Ross?
Ended his Evo run, in fact:
Poor Mike. He was only a few more wins away from fourth place. You'll get 'em next time, Mikey!
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
As we've already established, Urien is the worst. People who pick him shouldn't get to play actual games. Instead, we should just make them go to training mode and do whatever stupid left-right-up-down-throw-block-reset setup bullshit they want, and then if the other player blocks it, the Urien player loses. I guess that Urien has other strengths and weaknesses - maybe his footsies are only okay? Maybe his defensive options aren't great on wakeup? His costume game sucks? - but none of that matters. Urien IS Aegis.
And that's why it's troubling that Dogura has already shown so many of his cards. You can't just straight-up scout another player's footsies or their fireball game, but you can absolutely scout someone's setups. At the end of the day, Aegis is gross as hell, but it's still a gimmick, and gimmicks can't carry you through an entire championship. Somewhere along the line, Dogura's gonna run into someone who did their homework on his Aegis buffoonery, and that'll be the end of his run.
"But wait," you say
It does say something about Dogura's abilities that he's the only Urien player to be qualified for Capcom Cup. Given how exceptionally cheap this character is, you'd think that the bracket would be fucking infested with him. So clearly Dogura is a step ahead of the game. If you think that's enough for him to win - and if you're enough of a scumbag to WANT him to win - let me know.
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