Everyone has their personal preference about who they like to hear on the mic. We've even got commentary tier lists. But so far nobody has asked the REALLY important question, namely, who's got the sickest threads?
Today we find the answer, one commentator at a time. Join me on this magical journey, then tell me your thoughts in the comments.
Tasty Steve
"Vintage" t-shirt: +5
Normal jeans: +2
Buddhist prayer bead bracelets: +15
Slouchy knit cap: -10,000,000,000,000
I hate slouchy knit caps. Fucking hate 'em. Why would you want to go around looking like you have a sad breast on the back of your head? Especially if you've already got something good going with the Akuma-like beads all down your forearm, what does the slouchy cap do for you? Steve, buddy, listen - your friends love you and we're worried about you. Come to the light. Ditch the slouchy cap.
Final grade: B+
Sajam
Sajam has the fun-casual look down to a science. Here's the thing, though: is fun-casual actually good? That tie, for example. It sure is a tie. But is it good? SEEMS LIKE MAYBE NO.
Final grade: D+
UltraDavid
Look, I would say some shit about UltraDavid's post-bar-mitzvah-Men's-Wearhouse-shopping-trip wardrobe, but that's exactly the same as what my wardrobe looks like, so I don't really have any room to talk. Plus, the guy's a lawyer, and I would really like to remain unsued.
Final grade: A++++++ (seriously, David, please don't sue me)
James Chen
When he's in commentary mode, James Chen pretty much always looks like an extra on The West Wing. Meh.
Final grade: B-
IFC Yipes
Ah, fuck it - who am I kidding? We all know that Yipes could wear anything from a cartoon hobo barrel to a James Bond tuxedo and he would still be cooler than you and me and all of our friends.
Final grade: none; Yipes transcends grades
Persia
Persia is kinda like Zooey Deschanel, only if Zooey Deschanel used profanity and had a fightstick instead of a ukulele. Some people are probably tired of the hipster glasses and all that - and, let's be honest, some desperate motherfuckers won't be happy unless every single female shows up in Cammy cosplay - but I, for one, like it.
Final grade: C - for "cute"!
Aris
So, okay - not a lot to talk about here. Aris basically dresses like a dirtier version of Silent Bob:
Which is weird, right? Silent Bob was kinda grimy to begin with. You shouldn't really be able to go DOWN from there.
Final grade: C - this time, for "creepy"
Zhi
AHHHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYYYYYYYYYYYES! FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY?!!
Final grade: see me after class
EE
Y'know what I like about EE? He's got hattitude. (Tasty Steve, take note.) That floppy hat in that picture up there? That's a good hat. This is a good hat. This is a good hat. This...well, we won't talk about that hat. But FOR THE MOST PART, his hat game on point. Put that together with some respectable glasses and some fun shirts, and you've got a solid overall package. He tends to play it safer when he's behind the booth, though, so I have to take off a point or two for that.
Final grade: A-
D1
So here's the thing: D1 always kinda looks like a J. Crew just fell on him. Which is fine, I guess. It's very conventional. It makes him look like he should be holding a cocktail on a New York City rooftop in an ad for a fancy watch. Which, I mean, if that's what you're into.
Final grade: B+
Scar
Every time I see a picture of Scar, it looks like a Steve Martin SNL character who wears silly clothes. But he's not an SNL character. He's a real guy, and those are his real clothes. Sadface.
Final grade: D
LoganSama
This is what I like to call the pre-Kingsman Eggsy look, which is weird, because I thought that literally the whole point was that Eggsy looked better AFTER he joined Kingsman. But what the fuck do I know? England is a strange, unsettling place. People stab each other over soccer games there. Soccer! So, like, you tell me - is this cool in the UK? Are they into people who look like one of the Beastie Boys circa 1993? I'm trying to be culturally sensitive here.
Final grade: ???
F-Word
I'm gonna be honest: I don't understand how F-Word's clothing works. It looks like he's got the same basic setup as UltraDavid - button-down shirt, vest, the occasional jacket. Only when F-Word wears that stuff, he looks like someone cool and exciting, like a Las Vegas stage magician or something. Is it that he has more intrinsic swag than UltraDavid does? Is it because he leaves his top button undone? Either way, I would hire him to perform at my company picnic any day of the week.
Final grade: B
Skisonic
Oh dear god. No. No no no. I'm sorry, I - I can't.
Final grade: no
Today we find the answer, one commentator at a time. Join me on this magical journey, then tell me your thoughts in the comments.
Tasty Steve
"Vintage" t-shirt: +5
Normal jeans: +2
Buddhist prayer bead bracelets: +15
Slouchy knit cap: -10,000,000,000,000
I hate slouchy knit caps. Fucking hate 'em. Why would you want to go around looking like you have a sad breast on the back of your head? Especially if you've already got something good going with the Akuma-like beads all down your forearm, what does the slouchy cap do for you? Steve, buddy, listen - your friends love you and we're worried about you. Come to the light. Ditch the slouchy cap.
Final grade: B+
Sajam
Sajam has the fun-casual look down to a science. Here's the thing, though: is fun-casual actually good? That tie, for example. It sure is a tie. But is it good? SEEMS LIKE MAYBE NO.
Final grade: D+
UltraDavid
Look, I would say some shit about UltraDavid's post-bar-mitzvah-Men's-Wearhouse-shopping-trip wardrobe, but that's exactly the same as what my wardrobe looks like, so I don't really have any room to talk. Plus, the guy's a lawyer, and I would really like to remain unsued.
Final grade: A++++++ (seriously, David, please don't sue me)
James Chen
When he's in commentary mode, James Chen pretty much always looks like an extra on The West Wing. Meh.
Final grade: B-
IFC Yipes
Ah, fuck it - who am I kidding? We all know that Yipes could wear anything from a cartoon hobo barrel to a James Bond tuxedo and he would still be cooler than you and me and all of our friends.
Final grade: none; Yipes transcends grades
Persia
Persia is kinda like Zooey Deschanel, only if Zooey Deschanel used profanity and had a fightstick instead of a ukulele. Some people are probably tired of the hipster glasses and all that - and, let's be honest, some desperate motherfuckers won't be happy unless every single female shows up in Cammy cosplay - but I, for one, like it.
Final grade: C - for "cute"!
Aris
So, okay - not a lot to talk about here. Aris basically dresses like a dirtier version of Silent Bob:
Which is weird, right? Silent Bob was kinda grimy to begin with. You shouldn't really be able to go DOWN from there.
Final grade: C - this time, for "creepy"
Zhi
AHHHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYYYYYYYYYYYES! FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY?!!
Final grade: see me after class
EE
Y'know what I like about EE? He's got hattitude. (Tasty Steve, take note.) That floppy hat in that picture up there? That's a good hat. This is a good hat. This is a good hat. This...well, we won't talk about that hat. But FOR THE MOST PART, his hat game on point. Put that together with some respectable glasses and some fun shirts, and you've got a solid overall package. He tends to play it safer when he's behind the booth, though, so I have to take off a point or two for that.
Final grade: A-
D1
So here's the thing: D1 always kinda looks like a J. Crew just fell on him. Which is fine, I guess. It's very conventional. It makes him look like he should be holding a cocktail on a New York City rooftop in an ad for a fancy watch. Which, I mean, if that's what you're into.
Final grade: B+
Scar
Every time I see a picture of Scar, it looks like a Steve Martin SNL character who wears silly clothes. But he's not an SNL character. He's a real guy, and those are his real clothes. Sadface.
Final grade: D
LoganSama
This is what I like to call the pre-Kingsman Eggsy look, which is weird, because I thought that literally the whole point was that Eggsy looked better AFTER he joined Kingsman. But what the fuck do I know? England is a strange, unsettling place. People stab each other over soccer games there. Soccer! So, like, you tell me - is this cool in the UK? Are they into people who look like one of the Beastie Boys circa 1993? I'm trying to be culturally sensitive here.
Final grade: ???
F-Word
I'm gonna be honest: I don't understand how F-Word's clothing works. It looks like he's got the same basic setup as UltraDavid - button-down shirt, vest, the occasional jacket. Only when F-Word wears that stuff, he looks like someone cool and exciting, like a Las Vegas stage magician or something. Is it that he has more intrinsic swag than UltraDavid does? Is it because he leaves his top button undone? Either way, I would hire him to perform at my company picnic any day of the week.
Final grade: B
Skisonic
Oh dear god. No. No no no. I'm sorry, I - I can't.
Final grade: no
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