Some people are fans of Punk. But many other people are NOT fans of Punk. This article is for those in the latter group. And yes, I did completely steal this idea from Drew Magary. So sue me.
Your player
PG | Punk
That sultry bastard. He looks like he's about to open up a tube of self-warming lubricant and offer you a massage. I bet "Smooth Operator" spontaneously starts playing whenever he enters the room.
AKA
Punk Da God, Da Alpha, black Mort from Family Guy:
Shoutouts to whoever came up with that meme originally. Hit me up in the comments if you want credit for it.
CPT season recap
First, first, first, first, second, second, first, second, first, first, BLAH BLAH BLAH WE GET IT. This asshole even wins when he loses - after he cried at Evo, his idol tweeted him to tell him that he was great. Meanwhile, when the greatest basketball player of all time cried, we made a meme out of him and now he's plastered all over the internet looking like an asshole.
But that's the thing about Punk: he has the track record of the New England Patriots, only he's likable and he doesn't have to cheat in order to win. HOW IS THAT FAIR? Everybody knows the rule: "happy, successful, decent human being - pick two." Daigo is happy and he gives tons of money to charity, but that's fine: his glory days are behind him. (Suck it, Jiyuna.) George RR Martin is richer than your favorite deity and loves his life, but have you actually read all the sick shit in Game of Thrones? (YES I KNOW THAT'S NOT THE NAME OF THE BOOK. FUCK YOU, NERDS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.) He's clearly a Criminal Minds headcase in his downtime. But Punk has the whole trifecta and that's BULLSHIT.
Personal history
Punk hails from the city of Philadelphia. Here's a fun fact about Philadelphia: the whole place smells like garbage. It's true! Just go there some time and you'll smell for yourself, or you could save the trouble and hang out near some mall dumpsters around closing time and you'll get the same effect. Dealing with that stench every day strengthened Punk and prepared him for a life of competing in hotel ballrooms that are filled with unwashed nerds. For Punk, your body odor is just a nostalgic reminder of home.
Not that he needs the help - from what I've been able to scientifically determine by studying his playstyle, Punk is a Dragon Ball Z android that was created by a salty mad scientist in order to indiscriminately slaughter Street Fighter V players. (Mental note: find out what Mike Ross has been up to ever since he tried to go super Saiyan on his own stick.) I mean, tell me that this doesn't remind you at least a little of Karin's stand roundhouse crush counter:
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LEAVE VEGETA ALONE, PUNK, WE WERE JUST STARTING TO LIKE HIM!
Best tweet
Such class, such humility:
Remember that Star Trek episode with the evil twins? If Tim Duncan was in that episode, his evil twin would be Punk. (He's even got the goatee!) This shit makes Donald Trump look like the Dalai fucking Lama.
But did he beat Mike Ross?
Actually, they've never played in tournament, at least as far as I can tell. So instead, please enjoy this video of Mike Ross playing ToolAssisted, who is also a murderous, unfair S+ tier android:
Hilarious.
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
Because look at this:
See that? Yeah, sure, out of his last seventeen tournaments, he finished in the top 8 sixteen times; and yeah, sure, fifteen of those were top 2 finishes; and, yeah, sure, ten of those were wins. But that one other finish? The one time he didn't land inside a top 8? Seventeenth! What a fraud! What a bum!
"But wait," you say
Listen, fuck you. If you feel the need to defend this guy - the guy who, as a reminder, got FOURTEEN top 2 finishes in a row - then you need to take a long, hard look at your life. Or you can just yell at me in the comments. Either way.
Your player
PG | Punk
That sultry bastard. He looks like he's about to open up a tube of self-warming lubricant and offer you a massage. I bet "Smooth Operator" spontaneously starts playing whenever he enters the room.
AKA
Punk Da God, Da Alpha, black Mort from Family Guy:
Shoutouts to whoever came up with that meme originally. Hit me up in the comments if you want credit for it.
CPT season recap
First, first, first, first, second, second, first, second, first, first, BLAH BLAH BLAH WE GET IT. This asshole even wins when he loses - after he cried at Evo, his idol tweeted him to tell him that he was great. Meanwhile, when the greatest basketball player of all time cried, we made a meme out of him and now he's plastered all over the internet looking like an asshole.
But that's the thing about Punk: he has the track record of the New England Patriots, only he's likable and he doesn't have to cheat in order to win. HOW IS THAT FAIR? Everybody knows the rule: "happy, successful, decent human being - pick two." Daigo is happy and he gives tons of money to charity, but that's fine: his glory days are behind him. (Suck it, Jiyuna.) George RR Martin is richer than your favorite deity and loves his life, but have you actually read all the sick shit in Game of Thrones? (YES I KNOW THAT'S NOT THE NAME OF THE BOOK. FUCK YOU, NERDS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.) He's clearly a Criminal Minds headcase in his downtime. But Punk has the whole trifecta and that's BULLSHIT.
Personal history
Punk hails from the city of Philadelphia. Here's a fun fact about Philadelphia: the whole place smells like garbage. It's true! Just go there some time and you'll smell for yourself, or you could save the trouble and hang out near some mall dumpsters around closing time and you'll get the same effect. Dealing with that stench every day strengthened Punk and prepared him for a life of competing in hotel ballrooms that are filled with unwashed nerds. For Punk, your body odor is just a nostalgic reminder of home.
Not that he needs the help - from what I've been able to scientifically determine by studying his playstyle, Punk is a Dragon Ball Z android that was created by a salty mad scientist in order to indiscriminately slaughter Street Fighter V players. (Mental note: find out what Mike Ross has been up to ever since he tried to go super Saiyan on his own stick.) I mean, tell me that this doesn't remind you at least a little of Karin's stand roundhouse crush counter:
LEAVE VEGETA ALONE, PUNK, WE WERE JUST STARTING TO LIKE HIM!
Best tweet
Such class, such humility:
Remember that Star Trek episode with the evil twins? If Tim Duncan was in that episode, his evil twin would be Punk. (He's even got the goatee!) This shit makes Donald Trump look like the Dalai fucking Lama.
But did he beat Mike Ross?
Actually, they've never played in tournament, at least as far as I can tell. So instead, please enjoy this video of Mike Ross playing ToolAssisted, who is also a murderous, unfair S+ tier android:
Hilarious.
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
Because look at this:
See that? Yeah, sure, out of his last seventeen tournaments, he finished in the top 8 sixteen times; and yeah, sure, fifteen of those were top 2 finishes; and, yeah, sure, ten of those were wins. But that one other finish? The one time he didn't land inside a top 8? Seventeenth! What a fraud! What a bum!
"But wait," you say
Listen, fuck you. If you feel the need to defend this guy - the guy who, as a reminder, got FOURTEEN top 2 finishes in a row - then you need to take a long, hard look at your life. Or you can just yell at me in the comments. Either way.
Tokido will rough him up and finish him with a taunt combo again. Then Punk will become an ordinary human.
ReplyDeleteYeah, dude, Tokido is scary as fuck. You wonder if Punk is training up a counter-pick for him, but, like, who's the counter-pick to Akuma?
Delete