Some people are fans of Phenom. But many other people are NOT fans of Phenom. This article is for those in the latter group. And yes, I did completely steal this idea from Drew Magary. So sue me.
Your player
BX3 | Phenom, seen here practicing his "hey girl" look:
I give it a 7/10. Good smile, very tousle-able hair, just enough of a beard, but you have to deduct some points for the giant puffy winter coat. I'm pretty sure I wore that exact coat in middle school when my mom was still dressing me.
Personal history
CPT season recap
Here's the only thing that you really need to know about Phenom's CPT run this year:
I could give you stats or talk about his seeding or whatever, but this is the only thing that really matters. Get dunked on, DDRs.
Tweet where he channeled the spirit of James Chen for some reason
But could he beat Mike Ross in a rap battle?
Oh god, no:
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
Go back and look at that picture at the top of the post. I mean, really take it in. It won't be long until you notice that Phenom has the empty, soulless eyes of a man who holds nothing to be sacred. Like, just look at this:
But even that pales in comparison to this appalling behavior:
I tell you, the man's psyche is a barren wasteland, a Dark Souls desert, gray-on-gray. Seriously, listen to this shit:
DEAD. IN. SIDE. NuckleDu wins, he gives money to his mom and to charity. Tokido wins, he cries onstage. But Phenom? "I'm not gonna do anything with it," he says of the prize money. Well, okay - it's not about money, right? It's about love of the game! So he'd keep playing, right? "If I want to. Maybe I'll quit." SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE.
But what else would you expect from a villain-playing, high-five-faking motherfucker who eats his hamburgers with a fork and a knife and who comes from a place where day and night themselves are meaningless? For most of us, playing Street Fighter is a way to find excitement and community, to devote ourselves to a craft, and to pursue all of the things that matter in life. But for Phenom, his whole life is one big Tuesday.
And that's why he can't win Capcom Cup: he's confused "the power of nothingness" with utter existential despair. Sure, he's talented. Sure, he's driven. But he's driven by the forces of darkness, and if there's anything we know about villains who are driven by the forces of darkness, it's that they never win in the end.
"But wait," you say
He's not a villain, he's just...misunderstood? Or...something? Or, hell, maybe you want to tell me that the villains do win sometimes. Whatever the case may be, you know what to do - comment it up.
Your player
BX3 | Phenom, seen here practicing his "hey girl" look:
I give it a 7/10. Good smile, very tousle-able hair, just enough of a beard, but you have to deduct some points for the giant puffy winter coat. I'm pretty sure I wore that exact coat in middle school when my mom was still dressing me.
Personal history
As far as I can tell from doing research, Phenom is a classic Scandinavian hero: successful, charming, and utterly dead inside. Consider his choice of characters. Most of us choose our characters because they remind us of ourselves. Maybe we think we're flashy, so we pick a character with a flashy playstyle. Maybe we want to rep our home country, so we pick the character that hails from that same area. Phenom, on the other hand, prefers to play villains. Because, y'know, villains are also usually successful, charming, and utterly dead inside.
Or consider that, by his own admission, Phenom killed his local scene within a year of picking up Street Fighter IV: "By 2011," he says, "Veggey and I dominated the scene and people stopped playing." While that would have been dispiriting for most of us, Phenom is already dead inside, so he just kept right on going. In fact, do you want to know what his first real lesson in the FGC was? To be EVEN MORE dead inside:
YES, THAT'S THE WAY - DESTROY YOUR EMOTIONS. YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU HAVE ACHIEVED ENLIGHTENMENT WHEN EVEN VICTORY LEAVES THE BITTER TASTE OF ASH IN YOUR MOUTH.Or consider that, by his own admission, Phenom killed his local scene within a year of picking up Street Fighter IV: "By 2011," he says, "Veggey and I dominated the scene and people stopped playing." While that would have been dispiriting for most of us, Phenom is already dead inside, so he just kept right on going. In fact, do you want to know what his first real lesson in the FGC was? To be EVEN MORE dead inside:
"Hanjani can look back on his year and reflect on what he should or shouldn't have done but the two things he learned about competition the most is get rest to stay into the games during the long days at events like Evo and to get better and not playing 'on tilt.'"
CPT season recap
Here's the only thing that you really need to know about Phenom's CPT run this year:
I could give you stats or talk about his seeding or whatever, but this is the only thing that really matters. Get dunked on, DDRs.
Tweet where he channeled the spirit of James Chen for some reason
Ha haaaaaaaa...Devour-hour pic.twitter.com/ZzU7Wh9AZ2— Arman Hanjani (@PhenomSF) September 18, 2017
But could he beat Mike Ross in a rap battle?
Oh god, no:
No no no no no no. No..@PhenomSF got barssss 🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/NMn4dt6KRr— Adel @ EGX (@Bigbird_fgc) June 16, 2017
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
Go back and look at that picture at the top of the post. I mean, really take it in. It won't be long until you notice that Phenom has the empty, soulless eyes of a man who holds nothing to be sacred. Like, just look at this:
Barbaric.FULL SAVAGE @PhenomSF pic.twitter.com/WeSTkV1rgS— ELEAGUE (@ELEAGUETV) May 27, 2017
But even that pales in comparison to this appalling behavior:
— SMUG (@SmugDaBeast) September 17, 2017HOW DARE YOU, SIR. The hamburger is an American delicacy that, like the werewolf, abhors the touch of silver.
I tell you, the man's psyche is a barren wasteland, a Dark Souls desert, gray-on-gray. Seriously, listen to this shit:
DEAD. IN. SIDE. NuckleDu wins, he gives money to his mom and to charity. Tokido wins, he cries onstage. But Phenom? "I'm not gonna do anything with it," he says of the prize money. Well, okay - it's not about money, right? It's about love of the game! So he'd keep playing, right? "If I want to. Maybe I'll quit." SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE.
But what else would you expect from a villain-playing, high-five-faking motherfucker who eats his hamburgers with a fork and a knife and who comes from a place where day and night themselves are meaningless? For most of us, playing Street Fighter is a way to find excitement and community, to devote ourselves to a craft, and to pursue all of the things that matter in life. But for Phenom, his whole life is one big Tuesday.
And that's why he can't win Capcom Cup: he's confused "the power of nothingness" with utter existential despair. Sure, he's talented. Sure, he's driven. But he's driven by the forces of darkness, and if there's anything we know about villains who are driven by the forces of darkness, it's that they never win in the end.
"But wait," you say
He's not a villain, he's just...misunderstood? Or...something? Or, hell, maybe you want to tell me that the villains do win sometimes. Whatever the case may be, you know what to do - comment it up.
Comments
Post a Comment