Some people are fans of ItaZan. But many other people are NOT fans of ItaZan. This article is for those in the latter group. And yes, I did completely steal this idea from Drew Magary. So sue me.
Your player
DNG | Itabashi Zangief
Shit, no, sorry - that's one of the monsters from Attack on Titan. THIS is ItaZan:
So easy to get those two confused...
Did you know?
Itabashi Zangief hails from the Itabashi ward in Tokyo, and he plays Zangief.
What a creative guy.
Greatest strength
He's terrifying, both inside the game and outside of it. When you play him, he sits there, hunched over his stick, compulsively churning the butter, grinning to himself like a madman - and then, when the round starts, he hits you with mixups and mind games that no other player has.
I mean, look at this shit:
For most people, it's enough to win. If the opponent stands up early during an extended animation at the end of a round, it's whatever - a win is a win. But that's not good enough for ItaZan! Not only does he want to beat you, HE WANTS YOU TO WATCH.
This makes him incredibly scary to play, because you know that you're never truly safe. Playing Street Fighter against ItaZan is like playing Russian roulette, only with five bullets and only one empty chamber.
Greatest weakness
The back of his neck. Er, wait, shit - I'm back on titans again. Sorry.
Let's be honest: ItaZan's greatest weakness is that he's certifiably insane. Hunter S. Thompson, the gonzo journalist best known for being high as shit in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, once said that "there are many harsh lessons to be learned from the gambling experience, but the harshest one of all is the difference between having Fun and being Smart." Meanwhile, here's ItaZan's reasoning for picking Zangief over T. Hawk in SFIV:
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
Did you know that ItaZan hasn't won a CPT tournament all year? It's true - his best finish was second place at Ultimate Fighting Arena, which was in the (FRE)EU. In fact, he's the highest-seeded player to have not won a tournament, which demonstrates how absurdly dangerous he is in bracket. At the same time, though, do you really think that Capcom Cup will be his first win of the year? Like, really? No fucking way.
Plus, again, ItaZan is a mad scientist, emphasis on "mad." Like Heath Ledger's Joker, ItaZan just wants to watch the world burn. This attitude means that he can beat anyone, but it also means that he can't beat everyone. I mean, look - the reaction at the end of this clip is not the mature satisfaction of a man who's just won a round and is preparing to win the next one, it's the manic joy of a teenager who just got away with shoplifting for the first time:
And, hey, that's cool. It's a game, right? Ain't nothing wrong with having fun when you're playing a game. But there's no chance that ItaZan keeps Mr. Hyde under control for long enough to take the title.
"But wait," you say
Okay, so ItaZan is addicted to gambling and taking crazy risks. He'll never give it up. But, on the plus side, does this game REALLY reward careful, intelligent, rational play? FUCK NO. So, shit, who knows - maybe you can change my mind in the comments.
Your player
DNG | Itabashi Zangief
Shit, no, sorry - that's one of the monsters from Attack on Titan. THIS is ItaZan:
So easy to get those two confused...
Did you know?
Itabashi Zangief hails from the Itabashi ward in Tokyo, and he plays Zangief.
What a creative guy.
Greatest strength
He's terrifying, both inside the game and outside of it. When you play him, he sits there, hunched over his stick, compulsively churning the butter, grinning to himself like a madman - and then, when the round starts, he hits you with mixups and mind games that no other player has.
I mean, look at this shit:
For most people, it's enough to win. If the opponent stands up early during an extended animation at the end of a round, it's whatever - a win is a win. But that's not good enough for ItaZan! Not only does he want to beat you, HE WANTS YOU TO WATCH.
This makes him incredibly scary to play, because you know that you're never truly safe. Playing Street Fighter against ItaZan is like playing Russian roulette, only with five bullets and only one empty chamber.
Greatest weakness
The back of his neck. Er, wait, shit - I'm back on titans again. Sorry.
Let's be honest: ItaZan's greatest weakness is that he's certifiably insane. Hunter S. Thompson, the gonzo journalist best known for being high as shit in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, once said that "there are many harsh lessons to be learned from the gambling experience, but the harshest one of all is the difference between having Fun and being Smart." Meanwhile, here's ItaZan's reasoning for picking Zangief over T. Hawk in SFIV:
"If I consider the amount of practice time thus far, then Zangief is the better choice, but Hawk is so entertaining that I'm having incredible difficulty deciding."Got that? Infamous nutball Hunter S. Thompson was like, "Okay, I get it: that there are times when you have to calm down in order to be smart," and then ItaZan was all, "I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ALL THAT, FAM, I STILL LIKE HAVING FUN." Sure, he did end up picking 'Gief in the end - but to make up for it, he plays the trolliest 'Gief in HISTORY.
Why he's getting bodied at Capcom Cup
Did you know that ItaZan hasn't won a CPT tournament all year? It's true - his best finish was second place at Ultimate Fighting Arena, which was in the (FRE)EU. In fact, he's the highest-seeded player to have not won a tournament, which demonstrates how absurdly dangerous he is in bracket. At the same time, though, do you really think that Capcom Cup will be his first win of the year? Like, really? No fucking way.
Plus, again, ItaZan is a mad scientist, emphasis on "mad." Like Heath Ledger's Joker, ItaZan just wants to watch the world burn. This attitude means that he can beat anyone, but it also means that he can't beat everyone. I mean, look - the reaction at the end of this clip is not the mature satisfaction of a man who's just won a round and is preparing to win the next one, it's the manic joy of a teenager who just got away with shoplifting for the first time:
Itazan
And, hey, that's cool. It's a game, right? Ain't nothing wrong with having fun when you're playing a game. But there's no chance that ItaZan keeps Mr. Hyde under control for long enough to take the title.
"But wait," you say
Okay, so ItaZan is addicted to gambling and taking crazy risks. He'll never give it up. But, on the plus side, does this game REALLY reward careful, intelligent, rational play? FUCK NO. So, shit, who knows - maybe you can change my mind in the comments.
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